BABY!

I am finally comfortable letting the world know that... WE ARE HAVING A BABY!

In any "about me" section that I have had to fill out the line "I want to be the wife of a good man and mother to our children" has always made the description. Looks a sum of everything I've ever wanted is coming my way and I am so thankful to the Lord for these blessings I don't deserve.

First cliched baby-related photo :)

Finding out
I had been sitting at work that day and just feeling weird... my body just felt different. So at my lunch break I went home and peed on one of these handy little future predictors and was very surprised at my shock at two pink lines. (I was sure I had been pregnant a few months earlier and had tested, what seemed like, a million times with no positives. I guess I just assumed they'd be negative all the time.)

That rush of excited excitement and heart-rushing jolts to my extremities, like I had felt when I opened the box that held my engagement ring, hit me hard and fast. (Exert from the writing I did that day.)

I picked up the phone and called Scott. I would be seeing him that weekend but any notions of telling him in a cutesy way went out the window when my nervous energy hit. He answered.

"Honey, guess what? I think we're having a baby."

"What? Are you sure!? Did you pee on a stick?"

"Yeah."

"Go do it again."

"Ok. Call you back."

After guzzling a few glasses of water, the second test was positive too. I was pregnant! Scott was excited and shocked by the news, but we both new it would happen at some point. Needless to say, work didn't get done that afternoon because those handy pregnancy week-by-week websites are just everywhere.


Letting it sink in
Like I said, I'd always wanted to be pregnant - I've been oohing and awwing over all the cute pregnant ladies I've seen my whole life. What I didn't realize is that with the excitement, comes fear. Nearly paralyzing fear for that new little creature inside of you.

Here is the last part of the writing I did the day I found out. If I tried to sum it up, I'd lose what if really felt like that day.

It's not the fact of raising a baby that scares me. What I am afraid of now is all the complications my eyes have been drawn to. I want this so badly, I already love that little poppy seed of a baby in me at 4.5 weeks with an intense love that I just want to be able to talk to it and demand it to keep growing, keep stretching and making my boobs hurt and taking my nutrients and making me sleepy. I'd sleep 20 hours a day if it meant that little baby would grow in the way it needs to grow. 

There is all the time in the world to worry about being a bad parent and trying to teach baby Kingston good, worthwhile, pure things. Right now I just want someone to tell me it's going to be ok and we will make it to nine months with flying colors. I'm so scared. And being scared probably isn't helping the little one do its duties. 

Yesterday, after going to the walk-in clinic to have a doctor tell me I was actually pregnant, I ran to Target. Prenatal vitamins in the cart, I ventured over to the baby section. A lot of blues and pinks, ahhh, I wish I knew already. I found this 3-pack of long sleeved onsies. One was grey and white striped, another white with a little elephant holding onto his parent's tail and another white with grey polka dots that said, "best of mom and dad." My heart melted. This could be the outfit I bring my baby home in. So I bought them, tearing the wrapping off before exiting the store. I sat in my car in the parking lot just looking at these tiny pieces of clothing for a tiny human that will make itself known in 9 months. That day and time, in the Target parking lot, will go down in history as the first feeling of motherhood I will feel. 

On the way home I put my hand on my belly, like so many expecting mother's do. It was so strange. Now, I walk around with this knowing that no one else around me knows and I'm every conscious about this living, growing, expanding thing inside of me that I am trying to hold onto with everything I have. 

I don't mean to sound so morbid. So many people have healthy, good pregnancies and if I could get these bad thoughts out of my head I'd shoot them down forever. Getting excited means that everything will work out, and if it doesn't my heart is going to be so broken. But, I am so, so, so excited. I can't wait to see my belly start to expand! And hear the first heartbeat and feel a kick and a hiccup! I can't wait for Scott to start talking to my belly. Birth doesn't scare me. I'm so excited to hold our baby and take him or her home with us and watch this thing we made grow and learn and become a teenager and say, "Mom, please. You're embarrassing me." I'll take it all, every part. 

Oh Lord, please protect us  and keep us safe in the way only You can. 

Thank you, God, for everything you have given to us.